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Created: 2011-08-15 05:41:07
catsfanj
US (CA) platinum
Senior Poster
Total posts: 116
Status: Offline
Date of Birth: 1991-12-14
Total Earnings: $55.81
Please vote for the funniest joke by clicking on it.

Prize pool: $10 amazon.com gift card (which can be converted to 1000 points), Hulu Plus Gift card, 200 points OR a $25 restaurant.com gift card code (either one or the other since the user that is offering the $25 gift card is requesting 200 points in exchange for it)

1st place gets first pick, and so on until the prize pool is depleted.

I have had admin permission to run this contest.
This poll will go on for 4 days from now; and end on Thursday at midnight Shoutbox time.
I know this is long, but there's 49 jokes here; please take the time to read them

1
How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid!

2
there to string walking down the street they past a bar and they notes a sign that read no string allow to enter.
The first string says I can’t believe i thought thing like this was in the past well I’m going inside to find out what going on.
So the string goes into the bar before we could say anything the bouncer come over to him and said can’t you read the sign we don’t allow your kind in here.
The string started this raciest you can’t do this i have every right to be in here as much as you do so the bouncer pick him and throw him out the door.
he goes flying into the street his buddy the other string look at him and says i think i know what to do
so he start moving around little this little that way than fluffs him self up than walk into the bar.
The bouncer notes him and walk up to him and says
Hey didn’t I tell you strings your not allow in here
the string look up at with smile on his face
I’m a fray knot

3
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,” said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.

4
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour’s dog.
The dog has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this!”
She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, ‘The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?’
The blonde says, “I’ve put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how they like it.”

5
There is a plane about to crash and everyone on it will die.
A lady jumps off her seat rips off her clothes and yells “someone make me feel like a woman!”
Then a man in response jumps out his seat and rips off his shirt then yells “IRON MY SHIRT!”

6
[REMOVED ENTRANT FROM COMPETITION AS THEY WERE TELLING PEOPLE IN THE SHOUTBOX TO VOTE FOR THEM]

7
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps,”My friend is dead! What can I do?”.
The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First,let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard Back on the phone, the guy says “OK,now what?”

8
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, “I’m not happy.”
I replied, “Well, which one are you then?”

9
There was a captain sailing on the sea during a battle. His servant came up to him and the captain said, “bring me my red shirt”.
So, the servant did as the captain said.
After that the servant came up to the captain and said, Why did you say bring me my red shirt”?
The captain said, “Well if i get shot they won’t see the blood.
The next day the servant came up to the captain and said, “There are 50 ships on the horizon.”
The captain said, “Bring me my brown pants.”

10
What happened to the cat that ate a ball of yarn?
She had mittens!

11
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.
Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.
Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.”
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

12
Kangaroos can’t hop backwards. Its not very fun but you learned something. I don’t care how drunk you get tonight you will never forget that.
You’ll be in Australia nine years from now and your friend will be attacked by a kangaroo and you’ll instinctively yell “get behind him”.
You’ll think how did i know to say that?
HOW did i know to say that? Am i a wizard? Have I always been a wizard. Well then why don’t i have a demon.

13
Since the financial crises hit the world, the budget for electronic devices was cut down.
Now there will not be the light in the end of the tunnel.

14
Yo Mama is so dirty, i let her borrow my Backstreet Boys tee shirt and it came back The Jackson 5.

15
sign that your getting old: You hear your favorite song in an elevator

16
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture!

17
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
“Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up.
What’d you do with the boat?”

18
There’s three people on an airplane eating lunch.
The first person pulls out a lemon and says “Too sour” so they throw it out the window.
The second person pulls out an apple and says “Too sweet” so they throw it out the window.
The third person pulls out a grenade and says “Too Crunchy” so they throw it out the window.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Later, they get off the plane and are walking to their hotel together, and they notice a little boy crying. They stop to ask him whats wrong.
He replies “A lemon flew out of the sky and killed my new puppy.
Feeling really bad, the people continue, when they noticed a little girl crying, so they stop to ask what was wrong.
She replies “An apple flew out of the sky and killed my cat”
Feeling even worse the people continue when they notice someone laughing. They stop to ask what was so funny.
The person replies “I farted and the building behind me exploded!!”

19
Title: I have Contacts
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”
Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.
“Look lady, I don’t care who you know,’ snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket!”.

20
“Did you hear about all those Navy Seals that are dying?”
“Yeah, because the polar bears are getting to them!”

21
-Political Joke after 9/11 there is no reference towards the event however-

George Bush returns to Booker Elementary School to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
“Stanley,” responds the little boy.
“And what is your question, Stanley?”
“I have three questions. First, why are you President when Al Gore and John Kerry got more votes?
Second, why did you just keep reading that book about pet goats?
And third, why was Cheney there holding your hand and the Commissioners weren’t allowed to take notes?”
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right: Question time. Who has a question?”
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
“Bobby,” he responds.
“And what is your question, Bobby?”
“Actually, I have five questions. Why are you President when Al Gore and John Kerry got more votes?
Second, why did you just keep reading that book about pet goats?
Third, why was Cheney there holding your hand and the Commissioners weren’t allowed to take notes?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go off twenty minutes early?
And fifth, what the hell happened to Stanley?”

22
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

23
What ROOM does a GHOST not need?
A LIVING ROOM!!!!

24
Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel.
Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple.
The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up.”
Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor… I am Pagliacci”

25
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender said “Sorry sir, we don’t serve spirits here!”

26
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

27
Yo Mama is so stupid, she returned a puzzle to the store and said it was broken!

28
A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn’t speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.
One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say “My Princess”.
The next year he saw her he wanted to say “My princess, i love you”.
The third year he saw her he wanted to say “My princess I love you, will you marry me?” But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.
So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.
He approached her respectfully and asked, “JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
And the princess said, “Pardon?”

29
A cat and a fan are sitting on a tree.
The fan says to the cat, “so, how did you get here?”
the cat says “a dog chased me here. You?”
The fan replied “my owner brought me”
Cat: “what do you mean?”
Fan:”I mean my owner brought me”
Cat:”Whatever, i’m leaving”
Fan: “WAIT!
Cat:”What?” -.-
Fan:”look at me, now back at the tree, now back to me, we’re in the ocean, sailing on a boat.”
Cat:”Whaaaaa?!?!”
Fan:”That’s right, i’m on a taco”

30
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

31
“How do you find Will Smith in the snow?”
“Look for fresh prints!”

32
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

33
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

34
Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.

35
What do you call a fish with no eyes…..a fsh duh

36
Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor guy.

37
little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?
mummy: why god is both girl and boy
little boy: mummy is god black or white?
mummy: why god is both black and white
little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?
mummy: why god is both gay and strait
little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?

38
A man rushed into his house and yelled to his wife, ‘Mary, pack up your things. I just won the National Lottery!’
‘Brilliant,’ replied Mary, ‘shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’
‘I don’t care.’ the man sneered, ‘as long as you’re out of the house by noon!’

39
man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder
says to the barman a pint for me and one for tiny
“why do you call him tiny ” replies the barman
the man says “because he is my newt”

40
Funeral Gathering:
“When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.” ”

41
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

42
What’s black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A Redhead who has told one too many dumb blonde jokes

43
Q: If a moose eats your socks, how many beers can you fit in a cooler.
-guess a number-
A: no idiot chickens can’t screw in light bulbs!.

44
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

45
Manfred is riding a bicycle and he accidently hits an older woman…
Johnny: “You are one very lucky lady!”
Old lady: “Why?”
Johnny: “Usually I drive a truck…”

46
What did Dr.McCoy say before he performed brain surgery on a blonde?
“Space. The final frontier………. ”

47
What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wassabee!!!!

48
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”…

49
John : I just saw on the news that that the energizer bunny was arrested!
Me: For What?
John : He was charged for battery.

Poll: VOTE

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Standings:

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chevychic255
US (FL) admin
Helper is my middle name
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Finally read through them all. My top choices were 44, 18, 11, and 3. My final vote went to number 3 though. ;) That was a long read. Again, good luck all who are participating in the contest.
-
airsoftplaya
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wow took a while to read thanks for the humor
donations accepted
Sirdavids
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Woot
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kennyxx12
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My first post
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nice jokes ut next time keep it smalll took a while to read thx and add some yo mama jokes :)
Sirdavids
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nice jokes ut next time keep it smalll took a while to read thx and add some yo mama jokeskennyxx12


i dont think so mate ^^
Hello, I'm Sirdavids and I'm a volunteer member at Points2Shop. I'm ready to help you start earning with P2S! Check out my profile to see what I earned.

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