The Official Joke thread

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Created: 2009-01-24 20:17:08
dom20100
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reply date: 2009-05-20 08:41:41


what do penguins eat?

ice-burgers!!!
jackerman
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reply date: 2009-05-21 01:13:22


Creation to Present Time

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and There was darkness.

And Satan said, ...."It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

And God said,

"Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth.

"And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, .... "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the
99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. .....And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. .....And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's
gedney
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reply date: 2009-05-21 07:35:09


jackerman that was good nice one

heres a couple

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!

What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!

What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!

Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race?
He was asking for directions!

How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life?
Tell him a joke
when he's a baby!

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!

What is a myth?
A female moth!
VortexFM
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reply date: 2009-05-21 09:53:55


I have some really hilarious jokes on here that are too adult for this forum, but yeah, heres one of my tamer family jokes.

Two men walked into a bar,
Youd think one of them would have of saw it!
See my profile to get my Gamertag and other info. [IMG][removed link, violation of our external links policy will result in an account ban]]
jacobmonster
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reply date: 2009-05-21 10:01:45


i really think dead baby jokes are'nt cool what so ever this is a family site
Jordan15
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reply date: 2009-05-21 10:04:46


What do you call a snailor on a ship???


A snailor.
slipstream
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reply date: 2009-05-21 17:11:42


This is a sexist joke so if you are easily offended please don't read this:

20 percent of woman get this joke, the other 80% are in the kitchen where they belong

:) lol
2fast4u58
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reply date: 2009-05-21 18:50:49


lol there are some good ones
gedney
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reply date: 2009-05-23 17:21:01


The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
TheGBiPanda
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reply date: 2009-05-23 22:18:02


Haha. These are great ones =P Wish I had one to submit....

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